Hey so......the weather has been so nice. It is depressing however, because I just sit around, doing nothing. Shannan called me and told me that her work is hiring...well that Joe's steak shop is hiring. (Not Life Choices)...right now, I don't mind working at a steak shop...whatever! anything!! just want to start saving up money and working!!! but moss bought me a ticket...to go out to LA. he just suggested it, and the next day boredom perceived me...or whatever...and so......i was like, 'ok than' but the more i thought about it, the more i am starting to realize that i am not prepared, mentally or financially, to head out there.
you see, not only am i broke as a joke, i am sick of hanging out too. moss is like, "you are not coming out here to hang out you are coming out here to work" he keeps insisting on a job in entertainment...
LA entertainment employment agency...and regency
i am just not ready to commit to living out there if i do get a job out there!?? i mean, i dont know......its a commitment. i have things here i am doing, such as applying for medicaid, and i want to go to jays book signing in NYC on the 21st. that sounds like fun! its gonna be sci-fi writers and all. plus the tim and eric and dr steve brule tour, and NYCC. (i will be back for those although)..
i just........sigh...idk, i really feel it is pointless to go out there right now. moss does not seem to understand this, and he further re-iterates that he does not respect me when he makes statements such as ,"i have known you for 7 years and what have you accomplished out there?" that was a very rude statement. he seems to think he needs to help me, when i honestly am not asking for help.
i do not feel mentally prepared. if i had savings in the bank, yes. if i had a professional wardrobe, yes. if i had a polished hairstyle, yes. yes yes yes, IF i was strutting with some stride. i even made a joke to moss, (not sure if or how he got it), he brought up michael lippman and i was like, "see, i would be good if i had that bravado of buying wine, cheese and olive platters like "pimp sugar daddy" michael lipman, or if i had the "Big Eddie stride" that Eddie and mindy have when they stride into big events and awards show, or if i had that "Moss like swagger" like how Moss swags his style of low strung no belt levi's, black shirt, and white keds, as he confidently struts to the bank, post office and walmart to do his money order thing, all the while asking everyone questions and speaking a few lines in their language. he can afford to be all like, 'hey im me this is who i am' ...see, i would be like that too, IF i had the confidence, and having money in the bank (to me) will give me confidence.
i know a homeless slob can
im back. things i want to do...go to the eagles game with mike, larin and weston this sunday. go to jays writers book signing at the sci fi writers convention in NYC, go the to the tim and eric steve brule show in PA...things i could care less about, 'eating dinner that i have trouble choosing on at the rainbow with moss and whatever (chicken ceaser salads, heavy pastas, soups...i never know what to order), waste time while i should be looking for jobs and work, also taking care of medicaid, health insurance, my health, legal matters, working, saving up money, paying my surcharge, getting a valid PA license updated..i told moss now is just not the right time to go! i know moss wants to help me, but he isnt helping me at this moment because i have business i need to adhere too while i am out here! i just cant get up and go out there now.
what if i do get a good job out there? i cannot commit to a job because i will need to be back out here for my sentencing, and no i will not be a fugitive.
mike is now mad at me and doesnt want to bring me to the eagles game. i know it doesnt make sense for me to run out there. i mean, i like being free and able to do it, but i simply do not have any money in my bank account!!
i told moss that i am interested in going there, but not now. like i was attempting to say, when i have a buffer of money squirreled away, when i am on top of my game, when i have the confidence that comes along with having a buffer of money. going out broke as a joke and robbed like a slob, not to mention my health is pretty bad. i feel so run down and drained...i need to get my bloodwork and thyroid taken care of. i do want to go out there, but when i have my own Lori Brown swagger, and right now, i truly do not have that. now i have double chin, muffin top, scroungy hair, drained energy, no money, pending sentencing going on..im in bad shape, mentally and physically...im in bad shape....
and i am seriously depressed. i sometimes wish, fuck it, phuket, i will just run away......but i dont run from my problems. i have to adhere from them, be a big girl..(big girls dont cry) idk...but yeah...i have to be an adult, take care of what i have too.
fucking dui shit, all those problems, not to mention community service and AA meetings (most likely)...i dont even drink anymore tho...
it has been so nice out. i contacted adam and he said yesterday he was free so we could do something, so i showered and got ready, but i couldnt get a hold of him!?? i was looking forward to a nice motorcycle ride.
he never responded back. i knew i shouldnt of, but it was so nice out. i dont drink anymore, so i dont hang out with the likes of jimmy or dario, but i msgd dario for some reason and he was like ok what do you want to do? well....i said i could use a quesadilla, but i dont have money so dario picked me up with his big loud truck littered with trash, kind of...he was drinking a pabst already and offered me one, so i kind of obligingly taken it and sipped at it...we ended up going to riverside. he bought a pitcher, and we sat outside but we were by fat spiders and it was getting chilly so we went inside. i didnt really drink that much. im not sure how much he drank before me, i had like, two beers..i guess...well, must of been 3 with the one i had in the truck...he bought another pitcher so i had another beer or so..i wasnt feeling the effects tho. we split a chicken quesadilla and we left after all that. i was ready to go home tbh, idk, i wasnt feeling it, he kept saying unnecessary things like about how hot i looked and i was thinking, ok i have to go home plus i wanted to go home too. well, he drove to the liquor store to buy another 6 pack and a pack of cigarettes. he offered me a cigarette and i just took it even tho i felt like i was eating tomacco..i was ready to go home for real but he pulled by the railroad tracks we went on the tracks it was dark but the moon was illuminating the tracks which were pretty cool, i did drink a beer even tho i didnt want too...it was cold and he was getting drunk so i was like, im going home...
he offered me another beer so i opened it but i never drank it...i must of drank a 6 pack i suppose but it didnt affect me at all i wasnt drunk or really buzzed just cold and bored. since he was drunk i gave him a pillow and blanket to crash on the couch he was being annoying so finally i went upstairs! he kept trying to grab me and i really hate that. i dont like when guys get pushy its not very respectful. even jimmy never tries when we would hang out, he would just txt me things but i can never see me with those guys. i am very picky.
i am comfortable with mike. i love him. i mean, i hate the way he can be a jerk tho, but he was nice this weekend...but now hes mean again, because moss bought me a ticket. i want to go to that eagles game.
i dont like drinking tho, idk...its pointless. plus i hate waking up feeling all yucky ya know!??? and hungoverish.......and drained of energy...blahhhhh
anyways........i went for a walk today that helped me feel good. i feel so...idk...i just feel drained, imagine how i would feel if i drank!??
i feel like i am just......disappearing!??
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