its meh

fucking friday night. i just told moss, see? i wasnt really planning to just come out here, for no apparent reason, and this week now, has pretty much summed it up. i understand how its like out here, especially coming out and doing this! i knew exactly how it was going to be and its just that! i actually feel on the verge of hyperventilating! i need fresh air! i feel stuck.

i cant breathe!!! oh my gosh!!!!!!!!!!!! i feel like i am wasting time! im wasting time!

yesterday, i asked if we could go to bel-air, just to drive by at least...so i can get a feel for something other than the streets of hollywood that i have seen oh so many times before!

well we after chicken rainbow and whatever else, he was like, 'yeah ok' but i noticed he was not intending to go at all! he does that alot. its like he says ok to just...make me think that and quiet me up but he has to go back to go to the gym at 530.

today, we were supposed to take a drive to calabasas, (i suggested it. all the celebrities live there and i just wanted to see a new town besides hollywood). i sort of wanted philipes french dip, but he wanted sushi in the valley. so we went to get sushi, and i noticed we were headed back to hollywood. he needed to go to beverly hills to the post office. so yeah, he can at least say, "Lori, Im sorry we arrghh (national pirates day) not going be able to make it bel aire or calabasas today." instead of not saying anything at all like my idea was not important.


so i said to him, "moss, please at least tell me, that we arent able to go somewhere, rather than just not doing it. it makes it seem like he cannot even give me the courtesy to say, "Lori, your plan isnt going to pan out!" i told him, i am his company right? so why cant he go to the gym in the morning so we can actually do things, without worrying about driving back. its just called courtesy and etiquette for when you have company.

if i ever had company, (now that im older i doubt i will tho), i would make plans to keep them busy and satisfied. that is just what you do! who wants to sit around and do nothing all the time? he was like, 'then get up early' but 4 pm is still a good time to get some stuff done, ya know!??! i just think its courteous.

i mean, i have been here so many things. i know what its like to be here! next time out here, i want to be with a fun friend, or a boyfriend, someone who will be excited and thrilled to go out and about to all the spots. and if i come here, i need to be prepared. i need clothes other than the basics i have. i need a new hairstyle, i need my look together! i need to be sparkling in a sexy dress if i go to an event, i want to look like a woman, a woman who has her shit together, not some little idiot. i want to be in shape and feel good!


i want my outfits for the day too! ya know!?? i cant just come out here, drive for lunch, then sit in the car while moss goes to post office and scores some more free snipes. i just cant do this anymore! and he doesnt seem to understand!??!

im not a little girl who finds the idea of being out here exciting all the time. plus moss is a homebody. i remember a time when yes, i had that exciting sense to be out here. like wow! everything is so new! of course i was younger.


i  can still enjoy myself but i need to be on top of my game. before you know it you are post mid 30s and its kind of depressing if you havent gotten it figured out by now.

anyways, plus i dont want to search through craigslist to find someone to hang out with. i am sick of hollywood blvd bars. i do like the cute tucked away hidden gems tho. i mean, tonight is some party but i dont even have a party dress. plus it is cold out. mehhhhhhhhhhwhatever doc


plus my belly is a big bloat and i have a double chin its disgusting. im a fat girl! with basic old navy wear. i dont stand out!

oh i know i am capable of standing out, just not now!