clocks

i am feeling sorry for myself. yeah so what!??! also, i do not know why i am still on the schedule. why do i have to work for two pointless 4 hour days next week? its just so dumb. i really thought i was over with that job. those people are weird too. i mean, some of the people i have to work with, everyone is just so odd. i'm over it! i must say, i am so miserable because i am fully aware of how horribly i am eating. my mom seems to have no clue what is healthy. if i try to suggest healthy food, she does get sort of insulted at her cooking but....i can't continue to eat like this! since i moved back home, i have 40 lbs! and it is not just due to my thyroid, it is also due to what i am eating, lack of exercise.....everything! what started off as (hey since i got this new laptop in say, oh.....september, i have noticed that this one does not highlight and delete! remember i used to have that stupid problem!??! this one doesn't highlight and delete! yay celebrate!

ok so....last year, 2014. it started off with hope, the wonder and hope a new year should bring! also, last year was the last time i had seen christian. it still is very odd. i remember him as lively, as someone who was hanging out with us. i just remember, last new years, when weston and larin announced their engagement, they wanted to toast to christian and susans engagement as well, but christian did not get up. he made a very strange gesture as if he was shooting himself in the head.

i was supposed to hang out with them all at shrutys a month before he hung himself, but i did not have my ID so i knew i was probably not able to get inside, although they recognize us now and do not really card me, still...

it also makes me wonder.......the intrigue of being freemasons, (christian and weston were) but also, the illegal activity he was caught up in with insurance fraud with that gang of 'columbian mafia'...either christian knew he was next to get caught and incarcerated, or as mike seems to think, he gave them in and his life was in danger as well as his family, and susan.

whatever his reasonings for taking his own life, in a tree in his backyard, will remain a mystery...(unless his family now knows, that information has not been released to his friends). all in all, it is very sad. what is also sad is larin is dealing with her mother who only has a few days on this earth, she has cancer and it has gotten worse.

i feel so bad for her, she has been through so much. last night i was thinking about how she has such a tough time with death, but of course its your mother. you know, with thor and all. it hurt me that mike did not include me on his facebook post when he said to christians brother that we all bonded when they had to take thor down, (weston, larin, mike, christian...i forget who else) but he didn't include me. i was there too, yet he failed to mention that.

and then when i drove mike to christians funeral, and how i made sure not to drink so that mike could, (since he was taking it very hard) and i was quiet and super respectful, but then mike became such a jerk to me, and he driven off. that was not only rude towards me, but to susan and everyone else. in fact, i did not think we should of went to the house afterwards, but...i did everything to support mike.

i hate that i get underestimated so much. and then i get treated so awfully and rudely by these strangers. i know i am a nice, kind hearted, genuine person, yet i am being hounded by all these disgusting people. 

i really take out my feelings of hatred at these STRANGERS! 

i fucking, i dont care......

anyways, 2014 started off with the hopes of a new year, a new start!

i mean, i had enough of mike's lack of compassion towards me, and that day, on my birthday, that weekend was the worse. i mean, he made me so upset on my birthday, and then he left me, on a saturday. we had plans, and he just took off. (what did i do this year on my bday!??! i forget.......nothing really....)

i mean, last year on my bday. well the other year i wore my pretty neon flourescent green dress and my zebra sweator top, red lips..and i looked good i thought!?!

he did not even compliment me. after dinner some (in my memory) buxom busom buxomed by at the busty bus stop across from us...(oh, she was a plant, i see.....) bus stop BUST top......busty buxoms and busoms........and mike just stopped to check her out. you know how awful that feels. and he did nothing to make me feel like he cares or is interested in me. he just keeps me around because he doesnt want me to do better for myself. and if he cares he has a very bad way of showing it. you allow someone to flourish, you do not put them down and make them cry.

you just treat someone with respect. fuck mike. he even yelled at me and threw the HAPPY NEW YEARS crown thing i grabbed for us to wear on the ground this past new years. he even yelled and screamed at me this past new years too. because he was so tired and boring. i am done with it! i'm done!

what if i am pregnant tho!? i always think i am going to get pregnant even if condoms are used.(which THEY ARE!!!) but if i am, then i am! i do not need anyone telling me i should not have my baby!!!

sometimes i feel like my life is over and the only thing i should do now IS become pregnant and take care of another life. 

um.....but the next day he had taken off and i was left at the house, alone...and i was so upset and i was crying and super stressed out and i pity sliced up my wrists with a pity slicer...i forget what i used, probably a razor!??!


i felt like i had no control. nothing!?! mike ruins things for me tho. he ruined my birthday, he ruins new years. he just ruins the weekends. he is not fun. we do not even have fun sex and yes i used to date guys who made me feel like the hottest thing around. you know what i mean tho?

mike is constantly teasing me about movie stars or people we know. that is why i am always poking fun at all the 'movie stars' because what makes them so special? they have a crack team of stylists and fitness instructors, plastic surgeons etc.......they have photoshop and the hollywood mafia telling us and brainwashing us into how hot they are.

i mean, looks isnt all that matters in fact i dont care about it. 
ok why do they show pics from the site of massacres. i never believe any of these news anymore.


so i moved out. maybe i should not of went to hollywood that time but i did. i quit a good job i had tho. why and for what? it was fun yes, i mean....i had taken a bunch of good pics and photo ops.....but where did it get me? 

anyways, all the work into losing weight and getting fit, means nothing now, as i now eat bagels, beige meals, red meat......soda, fast food. we had pork today, chew pork chops and egg noodles. i mean, my mom sometimes makes healthy food, but it is something one has to do EVERY DAY! i mean, maybe once a week you can allow yourself a cheat day, but its not one day a week where you eat a healthy meal.......

i cant eat potato chips anymore........or any of the crap i eat. i hate that i am complaining but this is my fucking blog so the fuck what!?

and i am going to write a book on the downfalls of alcholism and how it has affected me and my life.

i would of loved to of found something to relate too, because i was searching for experiences that people have with their 2nd dui in pa, and there really is none. see, its almost a year later, and i still have not lost my license. i will tho....its almost here!


the blank end of it, brunt. the brunt end is almost here. jail....house arrest. loss of license, fines, probation. 

if i feel stressed now, how the fuck am i going to feel when i dont have an income to take care of this shit!??


you see what i mean? fucking stress altogether. frank, i would rather just go to jail and NOT have to deal with fines and all that, moss suggested that. did you know that moss is a lawyer by proxy.

ok in a few minutes i will give my thoughts on a few matters.

the sia/shia ordeal.........what else!??! kim k's butt.........

nah im just joking.

you know what tho!??!

i know this. i do not expect much anymore. i am a realist. i feel like i have been down for so long, that there is only time to move up. i have a feeling that, people put too many expectations on resolutions and the new year.......but that is not how it plays out. it slowly pans out. and when things get so down and deluded, lets talk mumbo jumbo word salad now....

when things are so down and deluded, it is like playing a video game, and you are able to slow down everything around you. when it is all frozen slow, you have your own power and potential to clean up and straigthen up, to move the camera to a new spot, to get a new angle, a new perspective.

when you are dissapointed and let down so much in life, you no longer GIVE A DAMN, and frank, you just start not caring........and you start LETTING things happen...you start CONTROLLING your life! you have been let down so much that it becomes a joke, and within this prison you have allowed yourself, you start to free yourself, outside the confines of your own skull and mind........you are able to see past..........and you see past the little foibles of these silly little people, all being played out like little lemmings. do you think celestial beings care so much about petty things, or about political agendas, or about time? being on this earth as a human being now is just the blink of an eye, what feels like forever actually is not forever. i mean, why do you think i am getting  so worried about having a baby? its my BIOLOGICAL CLOCK TICKING!

but do an exercise. it is so easy to blink back and remember being a young kid. and you still are, your body just ages to change...we are not meant to be here forever....


anyways, i feel like i have a zygote fertilized egg nesting and resting inside of me right now, but that is just hopeful.......there isnt. its an egg that has been released, ready to disperse as lady red...

i imagine a female ovary to resemble that of the sands of time...each egg is a peice of sand. you know, one of those things? from days of our lives.

i feel like my period is going to happen which is why i am being so fucking emotional right now. that and i cant sleep without imagining death.

ahh yes, death talk. CHEEP CHEEP! CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP!!!!