forgetting

forgetting happens...forgetting how it felt when you did not quite reach that spot in life where you just live to sleep. when you just pass the hours, online, or just trudging through the cold. 

online is a poison. it can enslave one's self. not to mention the singed memory of a sarastically rotten smirk, teetering upon hesitated self esteem issues as well. "i'm hideous". 

shakes my head.

anyways, i have forgotten. 

i have forgotten how it feels like to be desirable. to be wanted by someone who has actually caught and deserved my attention.

i am not talking about some random dude trying to msg me on facebook to tell me i am pretty. that does not matter to me.

i am talking about someone who has captured MY ATTENTION! and it is so rare!

to me, the ultimate turn on is to know that someone actually is into me! 

cuz it is like, 'you have good taste! you win!', but as i mentioned, i need to BE ATTRACTED TO SAID PERSON!!! because a lot of people think i am attractive and try to hang out with me, but i am so picky. i don't know!??! 

it is just something you feel. like i told mike, i want to meet someone......with a presence, an aura.

first, let me talk about 'forgotten'. the forgotten.

mike texted me and he wanted me to come over saturday night. see? he still wants me to come over, just like on new years tho. erghhhh!!!!!!!!

so i did come over saturday night. we went to shrutys. ah.....anyways the point is, i slept there its monday now, and i am going home soon. my stupid car always has problems. i need a new battery. plus new back tires. i just dont have money for this shit.

when i had a ft well paying job, i was able to make purchases for the little things, that made me happy! of course i moved out of this place, thinking i would stay at my parents momentarily, while working and saving money, but as we all know...i got another DUI and now my life is a matter or knowing but not knowing, waiting for something, but not caring anymore. who wants to live when you are awaiting probation?

it is not even a week in jail or house arrest that is getting to me, it is the probation. i never even knew what probation was before all this, now i am going to have to deal with 'checking in' every what, week? i travel. i go out to LA and shit. you know?

i dont need to drink. i certainly do not care about drinking and driving. i fucking hate going to bethlehem. at least i am not stuck living with a fatjo lol!

anyways....

a fatjo! HA! what the hell does that even mean? ahh!! i am intending on writing a book about the effects of drinking, and alcholism. because trust me, EVERYTHING BAD THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME...IS BECAUSE OF ALCOHLISM!

and i am going to write about it! and i will document my outcome, because as i had said before..i never had a clue as to what to actually expect...having after had a second dui...but in actuality...


yeah i will save that for the book. seriously, i have a bunch of stories i want to get on...i have a lot of ideas, (childrens stories, fiction and non-fiction). oh yeah!!! and an idea based on satanic targetted individuals and mind control is one of them, you stupid STUPID smirking idiot! you have no fucking clue! dumb twat(s)

i am so sick of this shit tho!!? who the fuck are you? NO ONE! no one targets you because you are too boring!!! 

um...anyways!!! 

things forgotten. since staying here at mikes, (i used to live here), i go out to the little office and i see my bookshelf. all my books.

little things i used to enjoy, such as my kitchen.

cooking. i used to put much thought into what i would make. i would cook with fresh veggies and proteins. i actually used to chop up veggies, herbs, and all of that. now i eat crap! i honestly do! i dont even care anymore about what i eat! you know?

little things like decorations, or bath and body works liquid soap. that would just be a delight to have. 

hey is spaghetti squash actually good tho? its just another veggie. trying to disguise as a pasta. just....whatever!??!

im hungry tho!??! hmm

now im rushed!! i am RUSHED! 

so yes i forgotten how it was like to be adventurous with a boyfriend. 

i mean, mike...i dont know? he still invites me over but how do i expect to move on if he keeps doing this to me? and he is so used to me but its not fair, to either of us. he is used to me, but than he spends time noticing all the pretty girls, then they think i care. i dont! i really dont care anymore. but i want to be with someone who is into me where we can notice girls but at the same time, it wont annoy me.


ahhh i am rushing now.

i might try to re-iterate on these non-important issues....