friday

i get so tired from being in this house all the time. sometimes, i just need to get away and be with a friend. i mean, i do love my parents, but i cannot be around them all the time, or be alone, or be stuck inside this house all the time! (is someone trying to read my keypads like some sort of morse code? i notice it gets stuck for about 20 seconds then whatever)

so yes, i had been going to the drs and all that this week, and it is friday. i fucking work on sunday morning, so tonight would be the only night to head out and do something!??! right?

i had plans tho, but i didnt do them.........although i should of i guess. mike invites me to go out to eat, so i go with mike instead of finding something else to do. its so stupid. mike is wasting my time, and my life. i wish that he really appreciated me, and that he enjoys spending time with me, but he doesnt. i also DO NOT want to hang out with cheesy sleazebags (well, i dont have much girl friends. i can hang out with guys.....but do i want too? ie, jimmy, dario........i dont know!??) but i just do not want to get annoyed. and i always do get annoyed. i mean, i just want a friend. yes it would totally be nice to meet a guy, someone new.....im lonely. i love mike but he is a DICK to me and i am over it! i have emotions and hormones, but i do not want to be around anyone who disrespects me or tries anything when i am not feeling it. does this make sense!??

and mike continuously asks me to dinner, that he pays for. but what irritates me is, i take a shower and i get excited about going out right?

so i put on makeup and do my hair (somewhat), and wear an infinity scarf (kidding).....but i always feel like i am going to do something fun at least. i mean, i do not go out often, and it is not important, but sometimes it is fun to get out im a grown up! if i want a glass of wine and listen to some music, i am allowed to and entitled too! (no i never drink and drive. nor will i! which is why i am sitting back at home.)

i love to just, do my hair, makeup, go out. blah. mike always picks me up and i try not to fight or argue with his choice of restaurant. to me, (with mike at least) going out to some applebee type place will be fine. because its the bar atmosphere as opposed to a family diner full of families and senior citizens, or he wanted to go to a pizza place. snore boring. to me, (and i know this sounds lame) but going out to a buffalo wild wings and having beer and wings is fun for me. if i am with a fun person, then anything can be a fun adventure!

i am not a jerk. i actually am fun, funny. i am sweet, nice.....silly...creative. i have a lot of interesting things to say. i am sensitive too. i am a bit paranoid. i get upset easily. i get bothered and perturbed by these jerky types.......ugh! anyhoo........

i mean, i get it. mike likes the comfort of me, and he does love me he just cant admit it. he cannot expose his feelings. he cannot let down his wall. OH WELL!

it is always the same thing. we end up going to somewhere stupid, like a diner for oldies and families...but i do not complain because i want to make him happy. you know? although this irritates me inside, im like, thinking, the one thing that would excite me and make me happy is if we can go to buffalo wild wings. but he will get mad at me and call me selfish. and he doesnt make much money. i do not have money. if i did, hell, i would treat any one of my friends to fancy sushi and wine. i wish i was rich. i would lavish my friends. id be a sugar mommy to some young'n. lol idk just being weird!??!! but yeah ya know........now i feel like crying.

i am just sensitive. i mean, i dont want to hurt mike, yet he hurts me all the time. i forget how he makes me feel. i want to make him happy, but he can tell that he doesnt make me happy, and in turn he sees me as nothing but a cunt and a bitch, because i need to go out.

but i never go out! i just want to spend time with someone, i want to talk, i want to feel PRETTY!!!! la la la!!! i did my makeup today and what not. im wearing good perfume.

everytime mike asks me out, we do the same thing! we go to one of his recommendations, (i actually like a bar atmosphere, i mean, kids and senior are fun but i would rather go to a dimly lit bar or gastropub (LOL!? idk) and have a pint and some sea scallops. and of course, CONVERSATE!! things i like to talk about....'the cannibal cafe; things on my mind.........whatever!!??! weird things! i like to watch weird things on facebook too! i like pogo channel, music videos, conspiracy stuff' mike does not like to talk or watch or listen to any of this!! :( i like to watch video game shit...i like to watch oddball stuff....the new salad fingers (its out!) i like to be in a safe encapsulated warm egg and just hang out with another FRIEND!

mike never likes to do this with me. he doesnt understand me or know who i am. after we eat at a boring diner, then we go back to his house. (ugh) he always tells me we will go out later, around 10 pm. i never believe him.

i kept telling him, 'lets go out now' (it was 630 we went to eat. i told him we should just go out early because it gets so dark out so early now in these wintery times)...he says he want to go home.

we went to the nazareth diner, after trying a few places that were way to busy. mike orders his food all meek and manners. "coke please" when really, ughh mike!!! he is reading the menu not engaging in talk. i like to talk while checking out menu, 'oh this looks good! oh do you want to split an app? ooh we should try this!" blah. he doesnt speak. he just studies the menu. i let him. "what are you getting" i ask in a semi bored monotone (to nuero linguistically match his tone)


then after she takes our orders, he gets his phone out!??!? i mean, yeah he is hungry, but to me, going out to eat on a friday may be the only thing i do during the weekends. at least engage me somewhat!??! but he doesnt. the minute he makes a joke with me or playfully pushes me, i light up. im like a little puppy, where the slightest of attention pipes me up.

we share some fries and i give him the rest of my french dip. he tells me we will go out later, fat jacks instead of shrutys. he promises me this too.

we finish out meals. the hostess cashier says she wishes she had one of those credit card swipes that they have at bon ton. i see another waitress counting her tips. she looks at me. 'what!??!' i sort of smile when the hostess says the thing about the card swipes, i halfway smile a gribby glibby smile and scrunch up my nose.

mike tells me he wants to go back to his house. i am starting to get panicky and i know he senses this. i may be feeling bratty. i just do not want to go there, to sit in a cold house while he nods off. i suggest going out EARLIER , so i dont have to stay up till 4 in the morning. hey, getting buzzed early is better then waiting for the drunk to happen around 4 am. id rather start early. maybe this is what he senses. well, its the only thing that takes me out of this painful reality and despair. but im fun too! ill be your BEST FRIEND!!! hugs!

so yeah..........anyways, mike is jerky to me. we go back to his house, and he wants to lay down so we lay down for a bit. it makes me think of the four old people that shared a bed in charlie and the chocolate factory. or is it willy wonka and the chocolate factory!??! ahhh whatever!

we lay around for a bit, he has his tablet and we watch a UB40 video, and then another one. i tell him to put a youtube poop video (idk!?) he falls sleep. the table falls down. i say MIKE he wakes up and puts on howard stern interviewing eminem. i tell him we already seen it, but whatever. its more fun to listen to howard, and mike laughs. he is awake. well then stuff........(nothing tho) he is tired so i get bored he says wake me up at 930 and we will go to fat jacks. fine! it was only a half hour.

so i start calling him to wake him up. ten minutes. 3 minutes. then it is finally 930 and he starts to get up but he begins to think i am being selfish and he works...he works UNLIKE ME and he is tired. "why is it so important to go out" he asks me in a mean way.

it isnt. going out is not the most important thing. but i stay home every night! so he is being grumpy and i start crying. 'no no dont do this to me!" i feel a temper tantrum growing and i begin to act very childish, slapping my leg (!??!) "please!" he is being mean jerk to me, "get your stuff. im taking you home"

but i put on my makeup! i did my hair! please!!! you ruined my night! dont do this to me! i dont want to be alone! i dont want to go back to my  house' please!!!

and he is so loud and mean to me. i hate him! FUCK HIM! he said, 'i invited you to dinner'

if mike doesnt like hanging out with me, if he doesnt like ME if he likes me he would want to do things with me.

i told him, "then stop mike! stop inviting me over. stop bothering me! just leave me alone!!! just let me live my life!"

i mean, there is no reason for him to keep me around. we both need to move on.

he said he never sees himself getting married, (unless to kaley cuoco but she is already married) i tell him, people marry each other when they love and respect each other, and when they are happy together. being happy together doesnt even mean going out. it is nice to just watch movies. when you truly love each other anyways........

now its almost 1 am and i wanted to play some ps4. i am trying to get my point across. hmm

blah!!!!!!!!!! its getting late but yeah so he just takes me home and i feel like hyperventilating. like i cant  think or breathe! i feel like screaming and he is such an asshole to me. its late

then he gets mad at me

he says he doesnt have money and i have to spend my money every time i hang out with him i spend my money i get myself beer and i end up by myself online....so he just drops me off home.

im so done with him. i can make plans but by the time he gets me home its like almost 11pm. 10 or something. and i was about to go out and get a beer by myself or meet up with someone idk who tho!???! but i  am not going to drink and drive plus i dont even need to drink! if i am with mike then at least i can stay safe in his house and drink alone and watch youtube stuff (which is what i like to do) but mike was being an asshole to me so THIS i am home and about to play some grand theft auto.

sigh............and tomorrow night i cannot go out cuz i work sunday morning, like i said. i have an interview next week. i just want a job!

anyways...........i do love mike but what the fuck he is boring. bye!




oh yeah i did my hair like barbarella (lol) well i teased it and puffed it up and bobbi pin also wearing my purple smoky eye pigments and smoky eyeliner. mike never notices me tho :(